A formula for communication

I recently attended a great workshop, as part of my Salon 9 discussion group, on Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The workshop was led by Luigi Morelli, an NVC teacher and practitioner. The goal of NVC, as I understand it, is to teach people how to better understand their own needs and feelings, communicate those insights, and connect with the needs and feelings of the people around them.

Luigi outlined four aspects of compassionate human communication, which I would like to share with you right now. I have found them to be a valuable tool when communicating with people. As Luigi mentioned, none of these four is astonishingly new, but taken together they serve as a useful structure for organizing communication with others. In fact, one of the participants said that her biotech company gives new employees a small card with these four aspects printed on them, to be stored with their ID badge and consulted in times of need.

Part 1: Observation vs. Interpretation.
Let's say that your spouse made a joke about your dancing skills in front of her friends, and this hurt your feelings because, heck, it's taken you years to get up the courage to dance in public at all. In fixing this upset, the first thing to do is to explain your observations. "When you told your friends that I dance like the love child of a robot and a buffalo...". The key here is to avoid talking about your subjective interpretations: "When you were showing off in front of your friends at my expense...". You really have no idea what her intentions really were, so stick with the facts-- the more objective the better.


Part 2: Feelings vs. Judgments
Next, say how you felt during the event. "... I felt self-conscious, alone, and embarassed." You should not focus on judgments about the other person, such as "... you were being a cold, insensitive witch!" Beware of judgment statements that try to hide as feelings statements, like "... I felt that you were being a cold, insensitive witch!" Just because it has "I felt" in there does not mean that it's judgment-free.

Part 3: Needs vs. Strategies
Next, say what you need. It's a simple idea, but it's amazing how, in the heat of the moment, we sometimes focus entirely on the feeling of upset, and not on what we actually need to move forward. For example, "I need to feel supported when I express myself, no matter what that expression might look like." The antithesis of needs is strategy, or telling the other person what they should do: "you need to love me for who I am."

Part 4: Requests vs. Demands
This one is pretty self explanatory. A request gives the other person the choice to grant or refuse your request: "Would you be willing to refrain from making jokes about me in front of your friends?" A demand is an order, and strips the person of their right to an opinion. "You'd better stop joking about me in front of your friends."

So in summary, using the four elements of NVC, you move from:

"When you were showing off in front of your friends at my expense, you were being a cold, insensitive witch. You need to love me for who I am. You'd better stop joking about me in front of your friends."

to:

"When you told your friends that I dance like the love child of a robot and a buffalo, I felt self-conscious, alone, and embarassed. I need to feel supported when I express myself, no matter what that expression might look like. Would you be willing to refrain from making jokes about me in front of your friends?"

Formulaic, maybe, but ultimately a good communication tool. Try it out and see how it goes!

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