In pursuit of feeling: Part II

After reading a comments exchange between my friends, Faye and Ty, about my recent blog entry on the role of feelings in keeping us from our dreams, I think a good example is in order.

I have a client, Rachel, who agreed to let me publish some of the work we've been doing. Rachel is a writer in her 30s who works as a copy editor 9-5. She has been writing her whole life, and wants to be a novelist, but has started several books and not finished them.

The first thing we did was to figure out, no really, what are you going for in your life? What do you want to build with your remaining time on this planet? Here are excerpts of her knock-her-socks-off dream:

"... I have become a prolific writer. My imagination is robust and thriving, thanks to the fact that I listen closely to my inner voice. Storytelling comes easily to me, and, according to the reviews, I create novels with vivid, unforgettable characters, thought-provoking ideas, a fascinating, engaging storyline, and gorgeous writing. Writing is effortless for me. On the days when it goes more slowly, I keep at it, trusting completely that I’m still moving in the right direction, which I am. I take immense pleasure doing what I know I was put on this earth to do, that I’m letting my talent flourish. Doing this work gives me a great feeling of freedom and joy, and when I finish each book and send it off to my agent (who loves it)—and then see it a year later in bookstores—wheeee!—I feel tremendous satisfaction that I am in charge of my life and I’ve channeled my best self—the Rachel who is a go-getter, who has initiative, who lets her talent shine, who goes after what she wants in a BIG, BIG way!

Imagine my excitement when I receive the call that the film rights have been bought by XX and it’s being made into a movie starring XX! I feel on top of the world, and so proud of myself for beating down any obstacle that came my way!..."

Pretty exciting dream, yes? Over the course of this exercise, her energy shifted from blah to radiant. The writer was alive again! Now, it was time to go for it.

Rachel made a promise to herself that she would write on her novel 1 hour per day. But she would routinely not keep this promise several days per week, instead distracting herself with the internet or other diversions. Now, you would ask, is the internet really more fun than living that dream that she articulated? Of course not. But yet the internet was winning. And so I asked Rachel to do a purge of the thoughts in her head when she sat down to write, and here is what she found:

"I don’t feel like writing. I haven’t written in days and now going back to it feels incredibly daunting. I don’t know where I left off. I don’t know where I am with it. How will I ever finish this book? I’ve never finished a book before, what makes me think I can do it this time? I don’t know how to write a novel. I suck as a writer. I’m fooling myself thinking I can finish a book and have it be something people will want to read. What do I have to say that people would want to read? I’m a total fraud, for years telling people that I am working on a novel, all those years working on something but never finishing it. I am sick of not being able to trust myself. I am scared of finishing this book and having it be terrible. Because then what? All I’ve wanted to do since I was four years old was write novels, and now if it turns out I can’t do it, what a crushing disappointment. If I can do it, then why haven’t I succeeded in doing it yet? The fact that I haven’t made this dream happen is the biggest disappointment of my life so far. I feel like a huge failure."

I guarantee there is not a reader on this blog who has not felt this way about something at some point in time. What resonates with us is the fear. Fear that if she tries and fails, she will be worthless. Fear that other people will reject her. Fear that she might come to find that her whole life was built on a lie. Yikes, who wouldn't be scared of that?

The thing is that as long as Rachel is in this conversation with fear, she is stuck in a rut. Checking the internet sure is more fun than facing down fears like this. And so she runs to the internet whenever the going gets tough.

We have been working on Rachel's fear, and now Rachel is starting to look at her fear the way a child pokes a strange-looking insect. She is experiencing it and working with it and accepting that this insect is going to be hanging around her house. And that's ok, because her dream is on the other side of that fear... there really is no other choice if she's going for the dream.

Now, to address Ty's comments, once you accept the fear and no longer make decisions based on avoiding fear, you can finally enter into the realm of logistics. Maybe one of the reasons Rachel hasn't finished a book is because she is going after subjects that don't really speak to her heart. Or maybe she actually enjoys writing short stories more than writing novels. Maybe the topic of her novel appeals to too small of an audience to generate the popularity and movie rights that she wants. Who knows? Rachel will need to make many decisions about her writing as she travels along this journey, and will probably refine and edit the dream as she goes. That is fine, and part of the process.

But the point is that when she was making decisions solely based on avoiding fear, she wasn't even in the realm of making rational, thought-out decisions about questions like these. She was living in the world of "I want to be a novelist, but I just can't seem to finish my darned book. Yuck!" And she was stuck. Deciding that it's ok to feel fear means that she is now in the game of designing and creating what she will do with her talents.

Thanks, Rachel, for letting us all learn from you! Waiting for your novel with baited breath :)...
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