Love as a Verb

Hello again! I decided to take a break from blogging for the past few weeks to focus on weddings, marathons, and coaching, but after a fantastic April, I'm back!

Today, I would like to talk about a concept that is exemplified by my best friend, Sandra, who got married this weekend to a great guy, Tim. Their relationship embodies a simple concept: that love is a verb, and not a noun. You don't find or lose love, as one would find or lose a quarter on the ground. You love or don't love, and the choice really is yours.

When you first start dating someone, and getting to know them, you love automatically. You are naturally curious about this person, exploring a brand new world that they represent. You focus on the greatness of this person and relay it to your friends. You put out your best self, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.

But then after being together for a while, many of us don't automatically love anymore. We stop being curious about the other person, and taking the time to understand what is really going on in their world. We think we know them and instead of having conversations with them in person, we have conversations with them in our head, and call it a wrap. "If I say I want to go to Florida on our vacation, she'll complain that it's too buggy and accuse me of never taking her feelings into account...". Many of us take for granted all of those good characteristics that so fascinated us at the beginning, and think about the ones that annoy us instead. "He laughs too loudly at his own jokes." And we don't put out our best self. We don't make time for as many romantic dates. We can be jealous, judgmental, critical, or angry, and let those traits run rampant.

So, then, there is no big mystery why many relationships "fade" over time. We have stopped loving the way we did in the beginning. The two people involved are no different, but what they are doing is. But we deny the power we have over love by treating it like a noun. "We fell out of love," or "our love turned sour," or "where is the love?" It becomes an entirely different ballgame when you instead frame it as "I chose to stop loving him." Because it really is a choice.

Sandra and Tim exemplify the use of love as a verb. Two years into their relationship, Sandra and Tim still carve out time each evening to share and understand what is happening in each other's worlds. Sandra does not lose sight of the fact that her relationship with Tim is the most important thing in her life, and treats him with respect, compassion, and patience. She is the same girl that she was on their third date, with the possible exception that she now shares more of herself with him. But she is just as curious and appreciative of his good qualities as she was years ago. She actively loves him.