Getting off the hook

We all have dreams and goals; we make some, and don't make others. In the case of the ones we don't make, odds are that we have found an ironclad excuse about why we can't have it.

"I want to start a company, but the economy is bad"
"I want to tell my sister that she hurt my feelings over Christmas, but she takes this sort of thing very personally."
"I want to meet the woman of my dreams, but there are no good women in Boston."

As I discussed in my January 27 blog, these excuses are sneaky inventions of the mind. Although we pretend that these excuses are working against us, we actually are getting something from them.

What could we possibly be getting from believing that the economy is bad? Well, we are getting a "get out of scary situation free" card. Because starting a company, having a touchy conversation, or putting yourself on the dating scene are all very scary. We know we should do them, that deep down we want to do them and will find happiness when we do do them. But heck, that's in the future and it feels scary right now. So finding the perfect excuse gets us off the hook.

I'd like to share with you an example of how I used an excuse to get myself out of a scary dream. I'm first going to share with you the old story, in which I twisted the truth of the whole situation to make it all "not my fault." And then I'm going to tell you what really happened.

The old story
I wanted to apply for the Peace Corps after college. I loved languages, and helping people, had great transferable technical skills, and wanted to see a bit of the world. But then I went to an engineering panel discussion, and the panelists there told me that if I took 2 years off to join the Peace Corps, I would have a hard time finding a job when I returned because my skills would be obsolete. Oh, I see, I said. I can't do the Peace Corps because that would be career suicide. So I didn't apply for the Peace Corps. Years later, I realized that joining the Peace Corps was not career suicide for many people... in fact, it seemed to bolster their resume, not hurt it. If only I had never gone to that stupid engineering panel discussion! Those panelists should be ashamed of themselves.

So that's the old story. But the thing is, that story haunted me. I regretted not joining the Peace Corps, and would get myself all worked up about what a mistake it was, and how stupid those panelists were. Until one day I realized that the reason the story bothered me was because it was not a fair telling. Here is the truth:

The truth
I wanted to apply for the Peace Corps, but was afraid that I wouldn't get in. I was afraid that I didn't have enough volunteer experience, which meant that I would have to quickly join a local volunteer project, which I didn't want to do. I was afraid that my letters of recommendation wouldn't be good enough, because deep down I didn't think I was as great as my professors seemed to think I was. Surely the mighty Peace Corps admission committee would be able to see this. And then the game would be up, and my mediocrity would be revealed. Scary stuff. So while yes, I wanted to join the Peace Corps, I was scared of the admissions process. Enter my savior, the engineering panel discussion. The panelists gave me the perfect excuse to never have to face that fear of rejection: that the Peace Corps would be career suicide. The perfect "get out of fear free" card. Because who wants to commit career suicide? So I was perfectly justified in not applying for the Peace Corps, not having to face my fear, and not living my dream.

So you can see how the second story makes a lot more sense. I mean, really, at the age of 21, would I really have been so naive as to give up a beloved dream based on a random comment from a panelist? Doubtful. Especially considering how many times I had defied my parents, friends, and teachers over the years. I chose to believe the panelist for a reason. Once I realized this truth, the whole thing stopped tormenting me. I was just being a chicken. I can work with that.

So I'd like to challenge all of you to take a look at a story from the past the haunts you, or a dream that you haven't yet realized. Where is the excuse? And how is it working for you? What are you avoiding? What does your chicken look like?

Image courtesy of www.germes-online.com