When you get down to the nuts and bolts of it, any time we are not living the life we claim to want on paper, it is because we're avoiding feeling. A businessman wants to start his own business, but is afraid of feeling the sadness and hurt of defeat if the business fails. A journalist wants to write a book, but is afraid of feeling the sadness and hurt if people reject her work. A boyfriend wants to have an open and intimate relationship with his girlfriend, but is afraid of the sadness and hurt that would come if the girlfriend rejects him for who he is.The thing is, as much as we try to hide from it, being a human means feeling. Feeling the ups, feeling the downs. It's part of the deal--we get the tremendous highs of feeling wonderful, but also must feel the lows, sadness, and hurt. But most of us don't want to feel the lows, and so we try to ward them off. How do we do this? Usually by either finding a replacement emotion (anger is a popular one) or just not putting ourselves in situations where we'd have to feel them. Don't start the business, don't write the book, don't give yourself completely to your partner.
Except then we feel numb, disconnected, and ultimately unhappy, because our hearts yearn for the business, the book, the openness.
The solution? Let yourself feel the lows. Let the feeling wash over you for a moment in time. It won't last forever, and it may be painful. Like childbirth, as I am told. It may be a painful couple of hours or days (let's hope not!), but just accept the pain for what it is, knowing that it is part of the journey. I'd like to share with you one of my all-time favorite quotes, written by Alan Ball for the play/movie American Beauty, that can be applied to both feeling high and low:
"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... "
Thanks to Laurie Gerber of the Handel Group for the conversation that inspired this post.
Image courtesy of www.rocbike.com
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I must say that I have recently been thinking about this very subject. After attending a Buddhist sit last fall, and being grateful for the introduction to Buddhism, I began to wonder about the sadness that sometimes comes with all of the recent hard work I personally have had to invest in my own life.
ReplyDeleteAs great as it sounds to be free of "suffering", the occasions when I have felt the saddest have also given me the clarity to relish in exactly all that really is great and wonderful in my life. Thank god, I have said to myself on an occasion or two for the hurt, or sadness, because it provides me with the perspective of actually seeing how good the good really is.
I told my "guru" (aka therapist) once, a few months ago, that I thought I was feeling depressed, but that I felt "okay" with it and felt as though I should just embrace it, acknowledge it for what it is, and keep charging full steam ahead.... he agreed 100% (wait, I think he just gets paid to say that LOL).
Let's not forget that depression is a real medical disorder, and isn't just "I'm feeling sad today". Real depression calls for real treatment, not just embracing feeling sad. So it's probably worth differentiating between feeling down and depression. And once that distinction is made, it would be demeaning to imply that people with depression should just live with it. I'm assuming that this isn't what you were implying...
ReplyDeleteSamantha, I hope that you meant to say that when you're not living the life that you claim to want it's SOMETIMES because you're avoiding feeling. Again, it would be demeaning to suggest that the only obstacle between people and their goals is their feelings. There are plenty of physical, monetary and situational constraints that might prevent you from living the life you want. You're blog post is nice and optimistic and philosophical, but it seems kind of disconnected from real life...
ReplyDeleteTy- in defense of Samantha, I believe she IS speaking in real life terms...
ReplyDeletewhat keeps a woman from leaving an abusive marriage? the pain, struggle, guilt that may follow. What keep a man working a corporate job from pursuing his dream in fine arts? judgement, guilt over less income, conflict over making the right decision.
I was watching some WWII Mustang Pilots being interviewed on The History channel a few days ago, and one of them said that before going into battle/fights he'd say to himself, "if it's going to hurt, it'll only hurt for a little bit. just like going to the dentist."
That is the same sort of analogy/frame of mind that I have had to use and remind MYSELF of over the past year and a half, after leaving a bad marriage and bringing my three kids with me. It's hard, and somedays it sucks, and I feel sad or depressed but I remind myself that this is all part of the "hurt" that I'm going to feel in order to reach the winner's circle.
Faye - what keeps a woman from making an abusive marriage into a happy marriage? Feelings? Obviously not, and it would be ridiculous of me to suggest that. I totally agree that sometimes feelings/pain can prevent you from getting where you want to go. But other times, there is no route to where you want to be. That's all I'm saying - that sometimes (hey, maybe even often) avoiding feelings prevents us from achieving what we want. But other times, no amount of addressing feelings will work.
ReplyDeleteI just want Samantha to qualify her statements. I think that she just kills her arguments by making broad sweeping claims and not making the appropriate qualifications.
I think I see what Ty is saying about sweeping statements. But I also think that feelings are more general that he gives them credit; I believe that addressing feelings is necessary, although not sufficient, for moving forward. Part of the treatment for clinical depression is to identify and work through the root cause(s), which typically involves a whole bunch of unrecognized feelings. And a key ingredient of co-dependence (the generalized condition of being in an abusive relationship) is neglecting your own feelings in favor of tending to those of someone else. Maybe then avoiding feelings is holding back a lot of people?
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