You're sitting in a cafe, on a first date with your latest match from eHarmony. As he begins to tell you about his love of 1970s science fiction, and his passion for collecting sweater-vests, you think to yourself "I knew it. All of the good guys in Boston are taken. This is what I'm left with."What you have just articulated to yourself is a theory. Like a scientist piecing together theories about gravity or evolution, we are all in the business of forming and proving theories about the way the world works. Here are some other theories you might have heard floating around:
"Childbirth is horrible"
"My girlfriends are always there for me."
"The economy is just going to keep falling farther and farther."
"I'm good at public speaking."
"My husband doesn't communicate his feelings very well."
"There is never enough time in the day."
"One good deed deserves another."
"Romance dies with marriage."
We form our theories based on our life experiences. But once we have a theory, we usually see the world through the lens of that theory. In other words, we selectively collect evidence that supports our theory. For example, if your theory is that "I am good at public speaking," then every time that you deliver a well-received talk, you smile and say "yup, that's me!" If you once give a talk that does not end in thunderous applause, you are likely to shrug and say "the audience must have been in a food coma" or "it's too bad that that audience isn't into my line of work." Because, heck, you're good at public speaking, so it couldn't have been you.
The thing about theories is that they are subjective-- you can pretty much gather evidence for any theory you want. For example, when I was recently hanging out with a couple of married friends, Jill and Mike, the topic of conversation turned to the relationship that Jill had with her friends. Mike was adamant that Jill's friends took advantage of Jill, and treated her poorly. Jill shook her head and said that her friends were great people, and that she supported them through their hard times just like they would support her if the roles were reversed. Jill and Mike brought up a few different examples, and on each one they had their list of evidence for why the friend was or was not taking advantage of Jill. And each was compelling.
The beautiful thing about this subjectivity, then, is that you can choose which theories you want to be in the business of proving. For example, in a blog post a few months ago, I described my attitude toward getting my wallet stolen in a coffee shop. Instead of the theory "it is a real bummer getting your wallet stolen," I opted for the theory of "it's no big deal getting a wallet stolen." And guess what? It really wasn't a big deal. Yes, I canceled my credit cards, and we changed our locks. But it was like brushing my teeth... nothing noteworthy.
Here are some other great examples of reauthored theories:
"I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am lost," reauthored to "My heart knows what I want to do, and the clues are all around me."
"Cleaning my bathroom is so annoying," reauthored to "Cleaning my bathroom is rewarding."
"It's impossible to stay in touch with my friends and family because they have moved so far away," reauthored to "I can have meaningful relationships over the phone, and I have plenty of time and money to visit as often as I need to in order to build the relationships I want."
"I make a lot of bad choices," reauthored to "I make a lot of good choices."
Once you switch theories and believe the new one, it is amazing how easy it is to prove it. You start to notice the good phone conversations you have with your friends, the time you made the wise choice to take a cab instead of the subway, and the little things in your day that you enjoy doing (which, pieced together, can give you the big picture of what career you would be passionate about). Moreover, you create more of those experiences, because you want more evidence to prove yourself right.
We're all in the business of proving theories: which ones would you like to be proving?
Image courtesy of jana739.wordpress.com
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Hey, I'm all for looking at the bright side of life. But it's also OK to acknowledge that not everything is great. Maybe cleaning the bathroom IS annoying. That's fine. But also realize that there is a reason that you clean the bathroom, and that reason must outweigh the annoyingness because otherwise why would you ever clean the bathroom? If you just swap your theory around, then you're just looking at life through an equally biased view and so you're no better off (although maybe deluding yourself that somehow cleaning the bathroom or getting your wallet stolen is fun). What you really need to do is not swap your theory around, but be conscientious of the evidence/view that may run contrary to your theory. THINK about things. Cleaning the bathroom is annoying, but having a clean bathroom is WAY better than having a filthy/nasty bathroom. My friends do take advantage of me sometimes, but they can also really support me sometimes. Having my wallet stolen isn't fun, but I just lost $80 and the time it takes to make a few quick phone calls to the credit card companies, so it's not as bad as it may seem at first. Take the good with the bad. Just THINK about both sides. So in my opinion, it's all about thinking instead of just swapping theories.
ReplyDeleteHey Ty,
ReplyDeleteI like your example! I think I see one of your theories in it, something like: "There is an underlying truth to how fun/annoying something is, and you can find that truth by thinking about it."
I bet yours is a popular theory, but I don't think everyone has it. There's no absolute right or wrong about theories, just whether they are holding you back or not. By being aware of your theories and how they drive what you think, say, and do, it's easier to see which ones are doing damage.
Hey Anthony,
ReplyDeleteActually, my theory isn't that there is an underlying truth about how fun/annoying something is. My theory is that you're not doing yourself any good by just forcing yourself to change emotional states or views. I'm all for trying to change your negative feelings around, I just believe that you should THINK about how you feel and why, and think about other ways that you would like to feel. So take what Samantha said in her original post, and just THINK about how you want to change your view/theory instead of just doing it.
And in the end, it is ok to feel annoyed/crappy/mad/sad/etc. Those are natural feelings, and trying to repress/replace them is not healthy. Just don't wallow in those negative feelings.
Just like Aretha Franklin said: "THINK"
So I think there are some really great ideas being tossed around here!
ReplyDeleteTo address your first post, Ty, I think you make a great point about analyzing the benefits and drawbacks of a decision before making it. For example, in contemplating if you should clean the bathroom today or not, you weigh the cost of doing the task (time and unpleasantness) against the future benefits (a clean bathroom and happy wife). Now, if everyone did as good a job as you are describing of objectively weighing the pros and cons, the world would be a much better place. We wouldn't be facing an obesity epidemic because people would weigh the consequences and choose to eat fruit instead of donuts, and exercise instead of watching one more TV program. We wouldn't be in our current economic state because financiers would have more deeply considered the long-term consequences of their risky dealings. And so on. So I agree that people should develop the skill to T-H-I-N-K, as Aretha Franklin said, about the long-term benefits and consequences of their actions, and choose accordingly. In fact, I spend much of my time working with people on this very skill.
But given that you have thought through long-term benefits and consequences and made a decision, then what? Given that you are already committed to cleaning the bathroom, because you know that you should, or given that you wallet has already been stolen, then what?
What I'm saying is that you have a choice in how you want to experience that activity. You can prove the theory that cleaning the bathroom is arduous. You can prove the theory that cleaning the bathroom is cathartic. You can prove the theory that cleaning the bathroom brings you closer to God. Or to finishing your thesis.
All of these theories are arbitrary: we're not talking about getting closer to any sort of truth here. There is no right answer. And thus, the term "delusional" doesn't apply, since delusion implies that there is a one truth that is being ignored. It's all just a matter of how you WANT to be experiencing your chosen path of action. Do you want it to be arduous, cathartic, or Godly? Given that every theory is equally arbitrary, why not choose a theory that makes you happy, and is fun?
I may be misinterpreting what Ty wrote in his second post, but this is also where the THINKING comes in. A new theory comes from identifying the old theory, thinking about what theory you want to replace it with, and then taking the mental leap to believe in that theory. Which is a whole other ball of wax. But the authoring of new theories is very much a conscious, creative, deliberate process.