Designing Your Life, Part II: The PR Agent

Most of the people in the MIT Design Your Life class are looking for better relationships. They want to find true love and companionship, or develop it in existing relationships. Heck, don't we all?

This connection with other people can be found by developing intimacy in our relationships. What is intimacy? It is being transparent: sharing the real you.

But most of us aren’t in the business of sharing the real us. Instead, we employ a PR agent in our head who spins how we think and feel so that it is palatable to others. The agent censors most thoughts through a filter of "if I say this, how will I look? Will other person still like me?"

Just take a look at your favorite celebrity mag as an example. Brangelina has a big fight and Angelina moves her herd of kids to her mother's house in Florida. "She's taking the kids on a vacation to get some sun" claims Angelina's PR agent. "Brad will be joining them shortly."

The problem with employing PR agents is that our relationships then become conversations between agents. Mine will talk to yours and they will invent a fabulous story. Sounds great to anyone overhearing us on the subway. But we sure don't know much about the actual people represented by those agents. Do we really want to have relationships with our friends and family similar to our relationship with Angelina Jolie?

Here are some examples of the PR agent from the class participants:

• My friend is really self-centered and it annoys me sometimes, but I would never tell her this because it would ruin our friendship.
• If I tell my advisor that I don't want to be an academic, it will destroy our relationship. Therefore, I am deliberately vague when he asks me about my future plans.
• Sometimes I wonder if I still love my husband, but I am afraid to disrupt our marriage because he gives me security and stability. So I pretend that everything is fine.
• Any time I try to discuss my career with my mother, she lectures me, and so I just avoid talking about my career with her.
• I sometimes pretend that other people's ideas are mine so I look smarter.
  

Each of these people felt disconnected from their friend/advisor/husband/mother, and was looking for a greater sense of connection. Given the PR spin they have been feeding these people, it's no wonder.

The solution? Tell the truth. Let the real you come out and play... you don't need a PR agent. The real story, while more quirky and messy and can-of-worm opening, leads to a deep connection and a sense of pride and confidence in yourself. If Angelina is having a fight with Brad, it really is OK.

Image courtesy of http://www.benghiat.com