Grumbling, part 2: Until you walk a mile...

Two blogs ago, I talked about how grumbling and complaining can be poisonous. Today, I'm going to talk about how easy it is to complain, and how hard it is to do what you're complaining about.

The other day, my friend Jennifer was talking about her mother, and complained that "my mother is in her late 60s, and still trying to find herself. She's making these little sculptures in a desperate attempt to connect. It's pretty sad." It was easy for Jennifer to sit back and take pot shots at her mother's art, or her mother's attempts at self-expression. But when charged with the task of expressing herself through art, Jennifer freaked out. What if it looks stupid? What if people judge what I paint? What if it's not good enough? If the painting is supposed to be a self-expression, and it sucks, what does that say about me? Argh! She made that painting, and emerged with a newly-found appreciation for her mother's courage to express herself through art.

It's really easy to complain someone else who is putting themselves out there, but instead of criticizing, shouldn't we be admiring their courage? It's not as easy as it looks.

If you walk around with this mentality, it's a lot easier to fill you days with love and appreciation. That performer on the subway? Wow, what courage to play in front of a crowd of strangers. A less-than-eloquent Sarah Palin interview? Yes, maybe she should have reviewed her facts a bit more beforehand, but what guts it must take to go on national TV. How cool. How many of us have dared to be in her position?

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Grumbling, part 1: How much do you grumble?

Grumbling. We all do it. The line at CVS is six-people-long, and to top it off, the customer at the front of the line wants a price check. Your friend doesn't ask about how your job search is going, even though she knows that you are anxious about it. Joan in accounting STILL hasn't processed your reimbursements from April. Your mom reminds you to get your flu shot-- does she still think you're 6? You don't have anything in your refrigerator for dinner; why did you spend that extra hour at work instead of going shopping? Your partner is in a bad mood, and you grumble about his moodiness.

Sometimes grumbling can be a red flag that indicates places where you might want to effect change in your life (e.g. leave work at a reasonable hour). But by and large we grumble without ever taking any action to fix the things we're grumbling about. These grumbles poison our mood, and slowly decay the relationships that we're grumbling about. Grumbles also consume mental energy that could be spent in happier, more productive and creative pursuits; we don't even have that many unique grumbles, but often play the same ones over and over again in our heads, on infinite repeat. Imagine what else we could be doing with that energy?

As a first step to appreciating the extent of grumbling in your life, keep a log of everything that you grumble about, complain about, or criticize over a 24-hour period. It may take a few days before you become aware enough of your thoughts to catch all of your grumbles, but keep it up.

Once you have a list of your grumbles, examine it. Are you surprised by how many grumbles you entertain? What are the themes of your grumbles--for example, many of my grumbles are about time, "poor" decisions about how to spend it, and the lack of it. What do you grumble about? How much mental space do you spend grumbling?

And most importantly, how much space do you want to spend grumbling? If it's less than you spend now, let's take down your inner grumbler.

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